Flash Fiction · How to be British

Tosser

Monday, September 11, 2017. Daily Brit Wit.

Tosser: 

Noun, vulgar slang

A general term of abuse such as “idiot.”

Follow-up of yesterday’s One-off. 2/2. 

“As the business takes off, you think being a dream weaver consultant isn’t all bad. Actually, you kinda like it. Except, you know, for the tossers that like to throw a spanner in your goals, dreams, and credibility.

Yet you’ve been consulting long enough now to have gathered a small, decent following and any complaints are generally overlooked based on reputation. For that, you are immensely humbled.

By now, you have reached the point of anticipating new clients before you have met them. Your usual clients are fairly easy to wade through in dreamland; new ones are forever dramatic and cringe worthy, which is why you prefer consulting before they start slamming you with dreams. Honestly, does nobody read the website? It’s all in the introduction page! Seriously.

You finish setting out a new vase of blue and orange asters when the bell chimes, signaling a customer. You glance over with a welcoming smile. And you recognise the newbie before he even sits down. He’s been starring in and haunting your dreams for two nights now; you’ve been expecting him.

‘Welcome, welcome,’ you greet and usher him beyond the waiting lounge toward your consultation room. ‘Thank you for being early.’

‘Nearly on time,’ the man chuckles nervously.

You bite back a wide grin. ‘Yes, though the majority of clientele believes on time is five or ten minutes after their scheduled appointment.’

The man relaxes infinitesimally. You’re disappointed. Your hands sweep out in offering of a maroon plush chair and the man sits. After offering water, tea, or coffee, you pour a cuppa and sit across him. His shoulders bunch and he sits on the edge, poised as if to bolt at the slightest provocation.

‘First time?’ You ask despite knowing the answer. Since dream weavers are few and far between, people don’t consult. There’s also the incompatible problem of online consultations: no matter how hard you have tried and your handful of colleagues (are they colleagues if you have never worked with them?) have attempted it, dream weaving requires hands-on, face-to-face contact. Plus, one runs the risk of consulting amateurs or frauds online.

‘Yes.’ He replies and clears his throat. Then gulps the too hot tea.

‘No need to be nervous, dear.’ You try your hand at soothing and it sounds ridiculous to your own ears. Force another smile and situate yourself comfortably because hey, someone’s gotta be and why not you?

His smile looks as forced as yours feels. You and me both, buddy, you smypathise.

‘All right,’ you clasp your hands, ‘do you have any expectations or designs you’d like to discuss?’

Dark chocolate toned eyes widen and his head shakes side to side.

You shrug. ‘Okay. I’ll just take you through the standard guidelines. Please feel free to interject at any time. Questions help cater the experience for you not me, hmm?’

An edgy twitch of the lips.

So you take it easy on the bloke and don’t complain about the early dreams because holy damn is he nervous and maybe you should start charging for tea and biscuits. He is unassuming and friendly once he is comfortable. Too bad he ends up just like all the other wankers who want sexcapades with persons not interested. Also, nobody reads the website introduction because first thing you specifically list you WILL NOT DO is sexy time dreams with an non-consenting partner. Eww. It’s weird as hell enough doing it for married couples trying to fix their relationship. There’s gotta be lines somewhere. 

You cut his appointment short and you are unapologetic. He doesn’t complain but you’re ready to cite his lack of intelligence and kettle of tea as sources. You give the administrative assistant a look that’s meant to translate into purposefully “accidentally” don’t book him again. Of course, she’s just a temp while Paul’s out on paternity leave so you’re certain she’s booking him anyway.

You wander back insider your office and contemplate locking yourself in. Or if it’s too early for a shot of brandy. It’s going to be a long day. You log in to the website and brainstorm ways to enlarge the warnings so people can’t ignore them. If you’re stuck with this curse, you’re going to shape dreams your way.”

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10 thoughts on “Tosser

  1. Hahaha! Excellent, K!
    One of my faves X

    La-da-da-da-dahh
    It’s the motherf***** L-O-Y-A-L (BRIT WIT MOTHERF*****!)

    😂😂😂Oh I’m cracking myself up now!😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Before I started writing the minis, my go-to was first person. I would dabble in third occasionally. Now? I seem to go back and forth between second and third. It’s nice to test your strengths! Good luck to you; not that you’ll need it! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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